2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
