Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
