Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
