i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
