No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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