you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
