I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
