i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize