I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
