I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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