Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
