Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
