How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
