Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
