you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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