Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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