my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
