just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
