I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
