haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
