Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
