Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
