Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
