When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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