Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
