Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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