I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize