May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
