I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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