John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
