I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
