We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
