420 ftw
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
