im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
