finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
