I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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