I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
