My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
