Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
