and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
