You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize