my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
my liver is dry heaving
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
