my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
