i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
