im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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