two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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