I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
