i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i think i just lost a toe
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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