Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've blown a few things in my day
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
