I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
