you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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