Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
