that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She bit a glass in half.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
