Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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