rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
