man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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