i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
