so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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