I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize