Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
