I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize