Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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