Plan B is the new Plan A
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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