I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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