you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize