The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
