wrigley field is MILF paradise
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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